Pre-Easter Muddle

The thing that strikes me about God is that he never gives up on me. I came to faith late in my life (Late have I loved you, O Lord) and God became something I relied on to be a constant, never-changing, never-judging, always forgiving God, who loves me unconditionally and who is full of surprises. A God of the impossible making all things possible.  I believe this is still true and it’s only myself who gets in the way of God’s plan for my life that causes me to disengage from this limitlessness love of his for me.

God never changes. People do. God doesn’t make the rules for church politics. People do. He watches and waits as we wander away from him from time to time then takes us back with open arms.

I have wandered like a lost soul since the church I attended split almost 2 years ago. Coming out of lockdown saw many changes in the church and I had felt it was time for me to move on. Before I could fathom why I felt like that, let alone what to do about it, the decision to allow same-sex marriages et al to be conducted within its walls was approved. This added to my dilemma but gave me an escape route – or an excuse (as I’d thought at the time).

Since then, I’ve been contemplating what my decision to leave has meant for me as a born-again Christian. It was as though something that had been a constant and steadfast grounding for me had been pulled away, with much of my emotion about it mirroring how I’d felt when I was 10 years old and my parents divorced. There was no Children Act then so kids didn’t get a say and it was years before I saw my father again. I didn’t get a say in any church rulings either, hence my ongoing wrestling with this unsettling scenario.

“Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours.”

― St. Augustine of Hippo, Confessions

God never changes. People do. God doesn’t make the rules for church politics. People do. He watches and waits as we wander away from him from time to time then takes us back with open arms.

I have attended a house church for 18 months, since the painful church split, which has grown into a good fellowship of supportive believers, yet I have been increasingly miserable. I knew deep down I didn’t belong there. I missed the ritualistic practices of an affiliated church, much to my surprise.

It was just before Christmas 2023, following the carol service held at my housing scheme’s communal lounge by the house church, that I decided to take 3-months out and away from church as a whole, to review where I was headed regarding my faith journey and prepare myself for Easter.

I hope I can let go of my tormented mind-struggle now because I am coming to the end of my sabbatical if you like, where I have looked carefully and considerably at where I am with my faith by visiting other worship outlet ideas, without settling into anything as a solid member but as a free spirit.

Moving forward, I know I don’t want to be trapped in a controlled church environment. After all, the buildings are not the church; the people are! As Christians we can make it so complicated when really it is a simple matter of loving one another as Jesus has loved us (John 13:34), and showing that love and compassion to those we come into contact with on a daily basis.

I’ve been enjoying the freedom of attending informal relaxed gatherings in various places such as Café Refresh at St. Mary’s, Burniston/Cloughton where poetry is used to illustrate God’s love for humanity, taking time-out at Wydale Emmaus Retreat Centre for spiritual renewal days, and participating in a monthly group of like-minded creative believers in the sanctuary of a sacred space conservatory within a private home. I’ve shared in wonderful worship in all these places where I have felt safe and secure in my faith. I have gone back to the original church I left (before the split) every month for a testimonial evening, and slowly my relationship with that church is beginning to heal.

God never changes. People do. God doesn’t make the rules for church politics. People do. He watches and waits as we wander away from him from time to time then takes us back with open arms.

Easter is fast approaching and I am still homeless concerning church attendance.

I received an invitation to listen to The Bible Course (5 weeks), which is available on u-tube from Burniston Methodist Church (my original place of worship before the split that broke my heart).

The content of the course for Week One made complete sense to me and gave me a depth of understanding about the regular argument I have with myself that the bible may be a work of fiction.

Looking at the construction of the Bible in the context of Week One’s explanation of when each text was written and by whom (where possible and probable), considering each book in the genre it was written and the author’s state of mind and life experiences at the time, has put it into perspective for me more clearly than I have ever known before, and this is confirmation, for me, that the bible is true and the message it brings about the story of God’s love for humanity is crystal clear.

Perhaps understanding the bible by looking at it this way has been enhanced by how I’ve been constructing my personal memoir, in that, I know in my heart it is true as far as I can recall conversations at the time they were happening. I also have my researched resources that back up the historical information, my personal journal notes and memories of all involved, that ascertain the memoir’s authenticity.

My memoir is nowhere near the magnificence of the work that has gone into bringing us the Bible yet marrying my memoir together to portray a message that makes sense is similar to how the bible has been constructed… by real witnesses to the fact that God loves us so much that he sacrificed his only son as an atonement for our sins.

You may want to listen to the Bible Course Week 1 to fully get where I’m coming from with this. I haven’t listened to the remaining 4 weeks yet. Perhaps they will change my way of thinking again. Who knows?

I only know that hearing Week 1 has lifted me and placed me on steady ground to continue my walk of faith in the reassurance of God’s truth.

God never changes. People do. God doesn’t make the rules for church politics. People do. He watches and waits as we wander away from him from time to time then takes us back with open arms.

I am looking forward to celebrating the Easter story with renewed personal insight.

Tonight, (27th March), I attend the last session of a 5-week Lent course at St. Mary’s, Cloughton, using the writing of C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe) as the inspirational allegory of the story of Jesus, intertwined with Lewis’s Shadowlands memoir.

I will then step forward into Maundy Thursday to join friends on a studious prayer walk through The Stations of the Cross at Wydale Emmaus Centre, in preparation for Good Friday, where I will meet with different friends for The Walk of Witness through Scarborough Town Centre up to the castle in a partial reenactment of the Passion of the Cross.

I will be celebrating Easter Day with the House Church Group at Wandales Communal Centre (where I live) and continuing my purposeful wandering as a child of the resurrected Christ.

Thank you, God, for not giving up on me.

Since writing this post, I have experienced a profound renewal of spirit walking with Jesus on my Easter journey and am definitely on my right path.

I hope you too have had a blessed Easter.

With love for the journey,

Julie

Vessels                                 

And then

when we are finally silent before You

when we are stripped of our selves

of our expectations – of others expectations

Only then can Your grace flow

into our empty vessels

and we become what You intended

for Your purpose – Your plan

And Your glory will shine from us

reflecting the love we have received

Others will touch the edge our radiance

knowing they are in the presence of God

because God is the essence of us.

(© Julie M. Fairweather)